At 1:02 EST December 19, 2011 I let go of the dearest soul I’ve ever known. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I can attest my heart feels like it is broken, shattered like a glass against a concrete floor.
She has been eating less and less and drinking less and less over the last two weeks and this morning she wouldn’t even try. I had a service come to the house and as awful as it was, after or during the moment she was free from her body there seemed to be a peace or relief come over me. I think it was her way of thanking me. They left and I held her for a while and then I took her to have her remains cremated so I can eventually spread them with mine. Leaving her at the cremation place was far and away the most difficult, I cried like a baby, all over her face and neck, just like I had done many times in the past over the years. She was such a special, incredible soul. Now she is running and barking, like she did before her disability, with her tail tucked low and enjoying her freedom. I never loved another living thing more than I do her, so incredibly hard to do the right thing.
The Doctor, Dr Barnes, from Eleos Veterinary Service, was here by about 12:35 p.m. today. Very wonderful at doing what they do. They were passionate yet efficient as the shared with me the process of what was about to happen. I had picked her place on the sofa when we lived in Arizona (she would lay their and watch time and bark at animals on TV, mostly horses, those were her nemesis. I held her and they gave her a shot to help her relax. She was already relaxed but the shot did calm her even more, her breath became slower and more shallow. Then they found a vein in her back right and slipped an IV into her little, tiny, dehydrated vein and administered the first tube of anesthesia. I watched her face, her eyes dulled and her little pink tongue just barely protruding out of her little pug mouth. Soon the doctor administered the second tube. As I held her in my arms I felt her pass, not a describeable passing, not lights, no bells, or even a sound. Just silence and a feeling of peace. The doctor checked her heart carefully and looked at me and shook her head in confirmation. She was at peace.
Dr Barnes and Suzanne, her assistant, told me she could pee a bit once her muscles start to relax and her bladder emptied and they slipped a pee pad under Missy and me. They moved quietly to pack up their equipment and were gone in moments. I sat with my baby, my best friend, my teacher in my arms. The feeling of fear and dread and anxiety I had before was gone and I have to say I felt a feeling of peace and relief. It was strange to almost feel joy, a sigh of relief, but that is what I was feeling… or was it Missy.
She had been sick for so long and was so tired and frail at the end, I believe she was thanking me for ending the illness and for her freedom. I strange feeling that I can not describe but as that of relief and joy.
I held her and pet her and moved to the rocking chair to rock her and hold her for awhile before we left for the next part of the journey. She looked like she was asleep and I kissed her white little face and held her front paws like I would at night when she would wake and be fussy. Her fur is so soft, even the doctor commented on how soft she was, so familiar, 15 years familiar.
It was a cold afternoon, 25 or so degrees, so Herb went and started the jeep while I changed to a clean towel and pee pad since she did leak a little as I was rocking her. I wrapped her blanket around the outside of the towel and bundled her up for the ride to Snow Mountain Pet Memorial Park. I had thought I had experienced the worse part of the experience but I had no idea how difficult the next step was going to be.
Missy and I rode out of the neighborhood and out towards 17N. Of course, I got lost a bit and I reached over and patted my baby on the head and told her it was an adventure even now. We found the correct turn and began the drive up the windy road to Snow Mountain.
As we pulled up in front of the small office of Snow Mountain I realized this was the last time I would see my baby, my dearest friend. I picked her up and held her and kissed her some more and noticed already how her forehead was loosing heat, not warm as it was in the past. I tried to push back the reality of everything so I could get through this next step.
Beverly at Snow Mountain was very kind as well and efficient as well. It seemed within no time at all the paper work was filled out and questions answered and she told me I could lay Missy over ‘there’ and to take my time saying good-bye. GOOD BYE I can’t believe I hadn’t thought of the good bye up until that moment. How was I ever going to leave this little soul that had been my best friend for 15 years lying over ‘there’.
I sat for a few moments trying to figure out how I was going to do this. I pet Missy’s face and pink tummy and rewrapped her blanket and towel around her and laid her down in the designated ‘there’. But, I couldn’t leave. I ended up crying and sobbing over her for at least the next 10 minutes. I pressed my face into the nap of her neck as I had many times in the past when I believed my heart was breaking, I cried to the point her fur was wet, I adjusted the blanket and kep apologizing to Beverly, adjusting Missy’s ear, her collar, her blanket, talking to her, telling her over and over and over and over again how much I loved her, asking her how I was going to go, how I was going to be without my teacher. Leaving her lying ‘there’ was the very hardest thing I have truly ever done in my life. The only thing I could tell myself was ‘she’ wasn’t ‘there’ any more. Missy was now an energy that, I’m sure, will be with me the rest of my life and into whatever is next.
My heart is broken like never before. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do but I know it was the right thing for Missy. She was such a class act all the way up to the end. Never had an accident in the house, even pee’d when I took her out that morning, no vomiting, sores, or etc. Always a lady and she passed quietly in my arms. Afterwards, I had a feeling of peace and joy, I’m sure from her spirit being free from pain and able to move and run wherever she pleased. The hardest part was leaving her at the mortuary… but I choose to take her there myself, I felt I had to see her all the way to the end and not wimp out at any point. I am having her ashes returned before Christmas and eventually they will be spread with mine behind my home place. I feel like the luckiest person on this earth to have had that beautiful soul in my life for nearly 15 years and I can say she left the world a better place… as she made me a vegetarian and so many others the same. My Missy, the animal rights advocate, without uttering a word.